Written by: Dr. Tik Chi-yuen, Director of Hong Kong Institute of Family Education
A coin always has two sides. While we strive to establish a close relationship with our children, conflicts are inevitable in daily life. To reduce disputes, parents need to understand that children are independent individuals; they are not accessories to their parents. The authority that parents exercise is meant to protect their mentally immature children, not to showcase their own power. Young children will inevitably have their mischievous moments, and rebellion during adolescence is a normal part of growth. While appropriate reprimands are necessary when children make mistakes, saying, “I am your father; you must listen to what I say!” is not suitable in today’s environment.
We often hear the phrase, “Treat your children like friends,” but how can we effectively do this? Dr. Choi Yuen-wan discusses spending one-on-one time with children in her book What Should I Say to My Child?, offering several specific suggestions that are highly recommended for readers.
Listening Dos and Don’ts
When parents listen to their children, they should avoid “interpreting,” “suggesting,” and “lecturing.” Here are two examples:
Example 1: When Xiaoming comes home from school looking dejected, he tells his mother, “I had a really bad day!”
The mother responds, “What happened? Did you argue with Xiaoqiang again? How many times have I told you not to fight with others? Don’t you understand?”
Example 2: Ailing is crying alone in her room. When her father finds out, he asks her why. Ailing explains that her classmates mistakenly thought she wanted to be class president, and now some of them are excluding her. The father responds, “Have you tried talking to your classmates about it? Have you asked the teacher for help?” Ailing remains silent, and the father continues, “I’ve always said that you have to be careful in your interactions with others…”
In the first example, Xiaoming’s mother is interpreting, and in the second, Ailing’s father is suggesting. What both parents did was lecture their children. However, they did not give their children space to express what happened and how it made them feel. Parents, try showing these two examples to your children and ask them how they would feel if they were in those situations.
Finding Common Ground Between Generations
Empathetic listening is a crucial tool for communication between generations. As mentioned earlier, parents and children inevitably have differing viewpoints. However, there are commonalities in how people perceive things. In Ailing’s case, she may indeed lack maturity, and her approach may not resonate with her father. Yet, not allowing sufficient space for children to express their feelings often leads to generational gaps. The feeling of being misunderstood is certainly unpleasant, and I believe fathers have experienced similar situations. Therefore, while there may be differences in perspective between generations, the commonality is that everyone has had similar experiences.
Parents should listen more to their children’s stories. When children encounter unhappy situations, even if we disagree with their handling of the matter, we must acknowledge their feelings of disappointment and loss. This way, children can open their hearts and communicate with their parents.
